Imagine the most critical person you know, someone you absolutely hate having a conversation with. Someone who has precisely nothing nice to say, ever. Even if you’re the nicest person in the world, this person would find some flaw in that nicety and complain and whine about it to you, every time he saw you. I’m sure you have someone like that, maybe as a friend, a relative, a boss, a close person.
Now, imagine living with this person, every single second of the day. Imagine the person seeing you walk, seeing you talk, and seeing you smile, laugh, work, shower, sleep, eat and drink. Imagine this person staring, glaring and laughing at you for everything you do, I mean, everything. Imagine this person tell you, no, remind you every minute that you’re worthless, that you mean nothing, that you have been nothing but a burden, that you can’t provide happiness even to a single soul, that everybody in this world hates you. Imagine being held up in a white room, with 4 white walls and no door and stuck with this person. Imagine this person laughing viciously, batting away every speck of goodness and positivity you hold on to, as you battle it. Imagine this person bluff it away as a bauble every time you use a personal victory as a defensive reason to dispute the thought. Imagine the person tell you that everything you have EVER believed in, about yourself, has been a lie. And in your attempts to prove that person wrong, you try to do everything you can. You fight, you argue, you tell yourself that this person is wrong. You tell it with such veneration, with any little energy you are left with, but still, fail. And God Forbid, you try feeling or doing something that gives you SOME victory over this person, you end up in a feedback loop drawn directly from HELL’s worthless world, which tells you what a loser you are for even trying so hard and being pretentious.
Imagine giving in to the thought that maybe, it’s all a lie you lived in and this world of self-destruction that you live in, now, is the truth that hid from you all this while. It becomes easier by the minute to believe the lie to be the truth and the actual reality to be a façade. You never realize, how your truth can actually lie to pull you into an abyss of endless gooey quicksand.
Imagine giving up all trials and then saying, you know what let me silence it with Music, Games, Food or anything else. You feed your self-directed anger with a binge. You end up feeling even more miserable because you ended up in the loop of doing something loser-ly again.
Imagine, YOU are the voice that manipulates, humiliates, second-judges and drives a maniacal, every second. Imagine YOU, perhaps even an exact clone of YOU, being a DEMON, imagine fighting YOU. Imagine YOU convincing YOU that you’re worthless, day after day.
Well, that’s my depression. And I go through this every hour, every day. At the trigger of positive words, the demon in me wakes up, only to remind me how worthless I am. I battle as long as I can and then give up. That’s my depression, a feeling I hide with a face filled with irony, sarcasm and meaningless smile. Sometimes I hope, the fight ends in death. And then I look at faces that aren’t mine, to find a reason to just NOT implicate death in myself. And so I fight a lot more.
People tell me – ‘Oh you have so many reasons to be happy. Count your blessings.’ They expect me to be happy because my life is in order. They think it’s just that easy, to tell the demon in my head that my life is in order, just once and the demon would just ‘Poof! Vanish.’ How I wish I could tell them that the demon is not a guest at my brain, who would come once and leave once. The demon has taken his permanent seat sealed in stone, right at the centre of my brain. How I wish I could tell them of the sword fights and bloodbaths I have and see with the demon every day, only to find it wins every time. How I wish I could tell them, that by telling me this, you’re making me feel that I am a weaker, more loser of a person for not winning over the giant demon in my head. How I wish I could tell them that each compliment you give me, makes the black canvas a little whiter. If at all I needed anything from the world, it was that acceptance, encouragement and freedom. Not a trivialization of my state, not a solution to MY demon, not a sermon on alternative ways.
If I could tell the world, it would be that:
- Compliment more often. For you it is a set of words which don’t affect you much; but for the one receiving them, they may make a day worth living.
- Listen more. Empathize more. All one needs sometimes is someone to just LISTEN to them.
- Make someone smile, make someone laugh, if it’s possible. It may be a small deed for you; for them, it may be a mountain of a weapon.